In honor of my parents 42nd anniversary that happened recently, I want to address relationships and how to gauge when it’s time to move on. In Fit 2 Love, I talk about cleaning the slate with relationships of all kinds: friends, lovers, family, coworkers, etc. I don’t mean it to sound harsh like you’re literally “breaking up” with people in your life but as you grow and change, so do your relationships.
Your needs also change and sometimes the people in your life are not the right fit or are uninterested in meeting some of those needs because they do not share the same values and expectations as you. We’ve all heard the saying “People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. I think those are great categories.
A reason: I remember attracting a certain friend years ago while I was going through a rough relationship. I was in a place where I didn’t give myself any power and she overcompensated by being really confident, in a cocky “I don’t need men” kinda way. While I was in this dysfunctional romantic relationship, her energy was positive for me and it helped to balance out the lack of power I was giving myself. Once I walked away from the relationship, her energy became abrasive and offensive. It wasn’t her who changed- it was me and my needs.
A season: When I moved to CA, I met up with a few single friends who were also transplants from the East coast like me. The 2 things we had in common were 1. we had not lived in SoCal very long and we lived in the Southbay. 2. We were single between 27-35. We all hung out and did single kinda things for about 2-3 years until one of us moved, another got married and the differences in how we wanted to live our lives became more important than the few commonalities that were holding us together. I still have a relationship with all of them in very different ways but our “single Southbay group” had run its course.
A lifetime: It’s always amazing to me to revisit a conversation with a friend from high school and feel like we could pick up where we left off and BE WHO WE ARE NOW the same as we were then. I don’t have that with many friends from that time but in every stage of my life and growth, there is at least one person whom I feel that way about and has been included in my “lifetime” friends. There are ex boyfriends whom I still have very good relationships with and know they will also be around for a lifetime as well. And of course there are A LOT of ex relationships that were for “a season” or ” a reason” and came into my life to help my growth and nothing more. I honor them all.
Even today, I evaluate all my relationships on a regular basis because as we get older and have more responsibilities, the time available to reach out and spend time with people diminishes. I want to be with people whom I have a deep and meaningful connection with. For years, I manifested friends by default. If you liked me and wanted to hang out with me, I’d say yes. When most of those relationships would end, I went on a journey to figure out why.
Now I make conscious decisions (to the best of my ability at every stage) about the KIND of people I want to share time and energy with and what connections and values we have in common.
You don’t have to “break up” with relationships in your life that bring you down, make you feel bad, sabotage you, bring negative energy into your life, etc…. but you can be aware of it, accept them for who they are and decide to spend LESS time with them OR walk away completely.
One final note that must be addressed: why have you attracted certain people and behavior into your experience? There are great lessons to learn from all relationships that can be greatly beneficial. If you take time to learn the lesson and shift because of it, the relationship has helped you to grow. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay in it. Only you can protect your energy, thoughts and feelings. Blaming others for how you feel will never get you anywhere happy. 🙂