If you’re a Seinfeld fanatic, you’ll recognize that line from an episode when George couldn’t wait to deliver his caustic comeback to a workplace nemesis. Unfortunately it backfired, hilariously, as typically is the case with the Costanza character.
Aside from personal amusement, it’s a plus to be able to leverage your favorite sitcom in one’s personal life. Such was the case one day when our daughter said, “Dad, this kid keeps bothering me at school.”
Without further inquiry, I dialed my attorney. Just kidding. “What’s he doing?” I asked.
“He keeps making fun of my name. He calls me Dom A**.” This is a family blog, but it shouldn’t be too difficult to decipher the asterisks.
A comment like that is borderline harassment in today’s politically correct world. I was confident I could get the kid suspended for a at least three semesters and put a lien on his college fund, but I figured I’d cut the kid some slack. An alternate approach was to fight fire with fire. It was time to go “schoolyard” on him.
“What’s his name? I asked.
“*?&#@” she said. You didn’t think I was going to disclose the kid’s name on the Internet did ya?!
“Oh MAN that’s easy.” My Brooklyn upbringing allowed me to instantaneously assemble a vast collection of street worthy degradations ranging from the scent of his feet to the wax in his head. I avoided any verbal salvos that would land my daughter in “politically incorrect” jail. “Next time he makes fun of your name just call him…” and I whispered in her ear.
She laughed and left for her room feeling armed and ready.
A few days went by and I asked her how things were going at school. “Did you get to blast that wise guy!?”`
“NO!” she said with extreme disappointment. He’s actually been very nice. “I really wanted to ZING him too.”
“Well, it’s better you guys say nice things to each other, don’t you agree.”
“Yes, I guess.” Her response was unconvincing.
Anyway, I’m glad things worked out and I’m happy *?&#@ came to his senses…despite the wax in his…oh never mind.